Wow, so it's almost 2012.

And I haven't posted a blog since September. *sigh*

I guess it's mostly because not much has changed. I'm still weirdly sad about nothing, and I still miss my friend. I mean, I've been having such a horrible time with this weird sickness that no one can seem to figure out. I've been to a couple specialist and had a whole bunch of tests done, but apparently there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I've just been extremely dizzy since April for no reason.

I haven't had anyone to really talk to since my friend left at the end of August. I mean I used to just have weird awesome conversations with him about nothing, and it would just make me feel better about everything. Since he transferred stores I've, just, felt like I have to hold everything in. I miss having that person around that I didn't have to pretend with, and I have no one to replace him with because my other friends really want to listen to me complain about being sick. It's like they think I'm just talking for no reason.

I don't know, I'm just looking forward to 2011 being over and hopefully 2012 goes a lot better.

Honestly it can only go up from here.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

So, yeah, I failed at BEDA

I failed horribly at BEDA, not because I didn't want to blog everyday, or because I couldn't but because I felt like I was slowly becoming more and more depressed and talking about it wasn't making it better. I'm feel so alone, like no one listens to me, and that I lost the only person who ever made even a little bit of effort to actually try, and sadly enough it was my boss, who's been promoted and moved on, but he was my friend, and I miss him.

All I really want to do is talk about how I miss my friend, but I don't want to think about how much I miss him because I don't think I should. Even in this half a paragraph I'm mad at myself for thinking about it. I feel like I should just move on, but I don't really know how. I mean, I feel like I annoy my other friends when I talk about it. I don't really think my other friends, Q mostly, understand that I literally would talk to this guy about anything, that he knows more about what's going on with my medical condition than they do, or even, if I'm being honest, my parents. He'd ask me what was going on and actually listen to me, and not automatically change the subject. Even if he wasn't actually interested in what was going on, he was amazing at faking it.

 I afraid that talking about it on here that you'll get annoyed with me and stop reading my blog, and you guys, you guys mean a lot to me. Even if I'm horrible at commenting on your blogs that I read regularly. I just don't want to mess up everything I've worked so hard for the last year to get, most meaning friends, because I got too attached to someone who wasn't supposed to be around for very long anyway.

I mean, Q is a great person and an awesome friend, but I'm so afraid that she's going to get annoyed with me and stop talking to me, just like everyone else. Every other one of my friends has gotten annoyed with me and just left me, and I terrified that it's going to happen again. I'm so bad at making and keeping friends. I know I've talked about that before, but I don't want to lose her too.

I'm sorry for being a loser and annoying, and I'm sorry for not following through on the BEDA promise I made.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Today is awesome because I well, nothing awesome has happened today, but I only have a 4 hour shift, so I guess that's pretty awesome

Books Read: 16
Currently Reading: Marked by PC and Kristen Cast

So we kind of have an answer.

Firstly, I would like to thank Chris and Laura for you're kind words on yesterday's blog. It's nice to know that someone is listening. It meant a lot to me. Thank you.

I had a doctor's appointment today, and I sort of have an answer. I have either scarring in the deep tissue of my right inner ear, or something wrong with my nervous system/spinal cord. I have a clean MRI so we're starting on the simple things first. However, the medication for this is one that I always took for this issue, and all it does is make me tired, and when I'm tired I'm even more dizzy, so yeah for no real answers.

It's just so frustrating, because I told the doctor I already tried this medication, that it was the first one we tried, and he didn't care or listen. It sucks, not even people I'm paying to listen to me will listen to me.

Is it weird that I just want sit down with my manager and tell him this? because honestly, he's legit the only person who at least tries. He doesn't always act but he listens. I am going to be a very lost person when he leaves.

Last night was pretty funny, but I was honestly too upset to enjoy it like I usually do. How sad is that? The one thing I do that's supposed to make me happy, to be my release, couldn't even cheer me up.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Today is awesome because, well, I guess I kind of got some answers, not good ones, but it's something.

Because I matter.

The last few days I've felt really horrible, not health wise, but mental health wise. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, no one ever listens to me when I talk. I get lost in the shuffle, my requests get ignored, nobody seems to care what I think. I feel like a shadow most of the time. Like no one would notice if I wasn't there because no one notices when I am there.

Most of this comes from work, no matter where I've worked, I'll ask for something simple, no being scheduled on Tuesdays, being trained on the service desk, and I will be ignored. Completely ignored, time after time after time until I finally just give up and stop asking and watch as people who don't work as hard as I do, who don't deserve to have those opportunities, who haven't worked with the company as long as I have, get the simple things I want.

This happens at home too, which is why I spend most of my time, much like Harry Potter, alone in my room pretending I don't exist. It's just easier that way.

At work I'm just tired of being walked all over. I don't know if you remember the person I called "Abby" in a previous blog, but in a short recap, she's the one that decided it was okay to tell half the store I was sleeping with my manager because I told her the guy she liked was a tool and I wasn't going to be her friend if she kept talking about him. (It's a bit more complicated, but that's the basics.) Abby started working in the store in November, I started in August of last year. She has gotten trained on the service desk even though she claims that she doesn't want to learn and just wants to transfer out of the front end and wants nothing to do with it. But Deanna, who's been asking to be trained over there longer than Abby's worked there can't get over there for a couple hours. It's not fair, and not matter how often I go to my manager and complain and ask I get empty promises and maybe next weeks from him.

I just kind of let everything out last night, just everything that I was feeling about the situation and how I'm tired of being ignored and looked at like a joke and laughed at when I want something simple, and I completely broke down and cried like an idiot in front of him. I just can't take being ignored anymore, and I know he's not doing in on purpose I've seen him try and work with the CSMs to get me trained over there, he's done it so that I'm able to hear him when he talks to them so I know he's doing it. But the CSMs think it's just some kind of funny joke that I'm not in on.

This isn't just about my job, it's about everything, canceled plans every time I make them, promises that never get kept, I'm so tired of it. I'm exhausted, and I'm constantly dizzy, I don't know what's wrong with me and I just want one person who cares.

I'm sick of being laughed at. I'm sick of being a joke I don't understand. I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of being replaced. I'm sick of being forgotten. I'm sick of everything. I just want one person to care about me. And the harder I look for that the more impossible it seems.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Want to hear an embarrassing story?

This is going to be super short because I just got home from work and honestly I really want to play the sims.

Today at work, I was in the bathroom and I ripped the front of my pants, like the entire front of my pants right next to the zipper. So I borrowed my supervisors sweatshirt and she let me go out to the clearance tent until my lunch since it’s a lot less awkward to have a giant hole in your pants when no ones around. 

She was talking to me over the walkie, and my Manager decided that he should make sure I was okay because of my vertigo. So he came out to the tent, but he was not alone, he brought another manager with him. So there are two managers in the clearance tent, and I have exposed underpants (covered by a sweatshirt but still super awkward). 

And that was my wonderful day today.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

today was awesome because my register didn't have any buttons. It was hilarious. 

I'm a rambler

I wish I could blog about real things, like stuff going on in the real world things. It's not like they don't care about them, but I I don't really form opinions about them. I mean bad things happen all the time and my friends tell me about them and they're outraged, and I'm like, "some creepy old guy asked me if I was married today."
(that actually happened today btw he asked if I was married and then started to talk to me about the price of potatoes, it was so weird.)

What I want to talk about is the cat bite on my arm and how I do not like my brother, and the how nice it is to have more than one friend. I've never really had anyone to sit in the break room with on a regular basis, it's kind of cool, but imagine this, he's leaving too.

I do not deal well with change, I'm barely used to the status quo. This next month is going to suck. I'll probably have a nervous breakdown at some point because the new manager doesn't run things like our manager does. I mean, it's going to take forever to have the "look at you and know what's wrong" type of relationship with this new person. And that's if this person even likes me, which they probably won't. Most people think I'm weird and don't really talk to me. This is why I'm excited that I have two friends. The raptor is going get so much worse when our manager leave, and everyone has been saying that they think it will go away.

And this cat bite, it's oozing puss and big and red and my dad says it's fine but he cut his thumb off once and taped it back on with duct tape, so he might be a bad person to seek medical advice from.

My brother, well, that's a whole different blog post, maybe later.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Today is awesome because my Store Manager said hello to me, and I started raptoring and he was laughing to hard to explain to the other store managers touring our store today what just happened.

In which Deanna complains about her job.

Since I work at the same place as my mother and all my friends, I find it very difficult to rage appropriately about things, unless I'm raging, you know, at my manager. He's really good at understand that sometimes I just have to rage. So this is going to be a rage filled blog.

Firstly, yesterday, it was announced that our Manager, was promoted, and will be transferring stores, and that the front end supervisor was basically fired. So we're going to have to break in two new front end people in a matter of weeks. Most of the front end doesn't really like our manager because he's kind of a lot immature, and 24, and he somehow found himself in charge of 50 or so mostly female cashiers and service desk people and he kind of can't deal with it. And most of us aren't very nice to him. But as mentioned in previous blog posts, he's always been nice to me and tends to go out of his way to make sure I'm okay and not going to fall and kill myself. The front end has had a pretty easy time with him in control and honestly, the second he's gone I have a feeling everyone's going to start talking about how they miss him.

ANYWAY, that's not what I'm mad about. I tend to not think before I say things, and one of my friends posted that he was leaving on my facebook wall, it's not a secret by any stretch of the imagination that I think our manager is attractive, an idiot, but attractive. Less than ten seconds after my friend posted on my wall I got a message from a girl I work with asking how I knew about this already since I wasn't at work today and why I always seem to know things that happen to and about our manager before anyone else because she was getting annoyed with how close we are.

I wasn't really sure how to respond so I mostly told her there isn't anything going on and if there was I wouldn't tell her anyway. So it's kind of a good thing that he's leaving soon, so we don't have to go through that fun-ness again, because it was awkward enough the first time. I hate rumor spreaders. So what if I'm friends with him? So what if he comes over my register and asks me how my doctor's appointment went that week? I don't understand why this is important to people. I'm sorry I'm friends with someone who is the same age I am who has similar interests, oh he just happens to be my boss and he's hott. Who cares? Apparently everyone.

I'm not done raging. I have been asking to be trained on the desk since November, I'm supposed to start "Next Week" (it's in quotes because I don't know if he mean actual next week or the next schedule that comes out next week.). I was just sitting in the break room with one of the CSM's and my friend that works service desk. My friend asked me when she would be training me and I said "Next week." The CSM then flips her shit at me telling me that she didn't know that and that our manager needed to tell the CSMs that before promising me anything.

In my head I was like, whoa, back up bitch. You know I want to be over there, you're the one who suggested it. Do not yell at me because our manager didn't clear it with you first.

Outwardly I was like, *shrug*.

Some days I just really hate my job.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Today is awesome because I convinced my friend that tomato plants are actually celery sticks.

Books read 13
Currently reading GOF