Hi, I haven't been around for a while, mostly because there hasn't really been much going on, I've most been sick. I spend most of my time sleeping, which is kind of lame, but it's really the only way I can battle the spinning.
The last month has probably been the worst that it's been since it started, which sucks so hard.
I know literally no one cares about the fact that I'm still dizzy, but it's the only thing going on in my life.
Besides that, my best friend, Video Game Boy, for those of you who have been around that long, is getting married this summer, and my little sister, Noelles, graduated college. Two weekends ago my best friend from middle school's little sister turned 21, so I got to go to that party, which was pretty fun. I saw The Hunger Games with my friend and her boyfriend, and that's pretty much everything I've done since the last time I blogged.
I just want to be better, but it keeps seeming more and impossible the longer I'm sick.
On the plus side, Stranger than Fiction starts next week, so I have that to look forward to as always.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Another angst filled this is my life, what is wrong with me post.
I don't get it. I mean, like, why do I attract crazy people and chose them to be my best friend?
I have two really awesome friends now, and I'm pretty sure aren't crazy, but with the way my track record is going, I'm slightly concerned for their mental health at this point.
Two weeks ago Tuesday I was supposed to meet Q at a pizza place to grab lunch since I haven't seen her in forever and stuff. So I'm driving to the place and I'm running late, so I text her saying I'm on my way. I don't get a response, so I figure she's, you know, eating. I get there and her cars isn't there and neither is her boyfriend's motorcycle. So I wait, I text her again about 15 minutes later asking where she is, a half hour after that she texts me back and says she's not coming because she's half way across the state and her phone died.
This is not the first time she's blown me off and decided not to tell me. I mean, I doubt she left her house with a dead phone, and she's a hour away from where we were supposed to meet and she couldn't text me. I was a little bit annoyed. So I haven't talked to here in a week and a half. Thursday my other two friends and I went to Boston for a birthday. All of us have that we're going as our facebook statuses, we've been talking about it for a while, Q texts me while all of us are in Boston and asks if I'm still mad. About 5 hours later, I text her back and tell her I'm not mad, just aggravated and annoyed at her inability to keep plans or at least let me know before I rearrange my life to meet with her that she's not going to show up.
She texts me later that night and asks me how to fix it. In my head I'm, like, just say you're freaking sorry and we'll move on, but I waited and this afternoon I told her that I couldn't be in a one sided friendship again. I just wasn't going to do it. If she wanted me to be her friend, because I honestly believed she was my best friend and I hers, that she had to put it some effort.
She told me I was being melodramatic, and told me not to worry about her baby shower that her mom would do it. And that's when I completely freaking lost it on her. I just flipped told her she was being selfish, and all I wanted was a friendship in which I could rely on the other person. I'm not trying to be needy or greedy or really thought that I was asking for too much when I ask for a fucking phone call to tell me that you're not going to fucking show up so I don't wait in a parking lot for a hour waiting for you, or drive half way to Dover to get a text minutes before we're supposed to meet up saying you're not going to make it. I was asking for courtesy, friendship.
I didn't think I was asking too much, but apparently I was.
She told me to have a nice life.
So I told her she was just like Abby, and Georgie, just as heartless and cruel as they were. I told her that there are way easier ways to tell someone you don't want them to throw you a baby shower.
She told me again to have a nice life, so I said "I will have a wonderful life now that it no longer has you in it."
In the end I was a little bit childish, but whatever, she deserves it as far as I'm concerned. She started it. But really all she had to do was say she was sorry, and everything would have been fine. I don't get why that is worth throwing away a friendship.
I guess it just meant more to me that it did to her.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
today is awesome because I have plans to wear a shirt that says "life" on it and hand lemons to people on street corners.
Books read: 9
Currently (re)reading: Looking for Alaska by John Green
I have two really awesome friends now, and I'm pretty sure aren't crazy, but with the way my track record is going, I'm slightly concerned for their mental health at this point.
Two weeks ago Tuesday I was supposed to meet Q at a pizza place to grab lunch since I haven't seen her in forever and stuff. So I'm driving to the place and I'm running late, so I text her saying I'm on my way. I don't get a response, so I figure she's, you know, eating. I get there and her cars isn't there and neither is her boyfriend's motorcycle. So I wait, I text her again about 15 minutes later asking where she is, a half hour after that she texts me back and says she's not coming because she's half way across the state and her phone died.
This is not the first time she's blown me off and decided not to tell me. I mean, I doubt she left her house with a dead phone, and she's a hour away from where we were supposed to meet and she couldn't text me. I was a little bit annoyed. So I haven't talked to here in a week and a half. Thursday my other two friends and I went to Boston for a birthday. All of us have that we're going as our facebook statuses, we've been talking about it for a while, Q texts me while all of us are in Boston and asks if I'm still mad. About 5 hours later, I text her back and tell her I'm not mad, just aggravated and annoyed at her inability to keep plans or at least let me know before I rearrange my life to meet with her that she's not going to show up.
She texts me later that night and asks me how to fix it. In my head I'm, like, just say you're freaking sorry and we'll move on, but I waited and this afternoon I told her that I couldn't be in a one sided friendship again. I just wasn't going to do it. If she wanted me to be her friend, because I honestly believed she was my best friend and I hers, that she had to put it some effort.
She told me I was being melodramatic, and told me not to worry about her baby shower that her mom would do it. And that's when I completely freaking lost it on her. I just flipped told her she was being selfish, and all I wanted was a friendship in which I could rely on the other person. I'm not trying to be needy or greedy or really thought that I was asking for too much when I ask for a fucking phone call to tell me that you're not going to fucking show up so I don't wait in a parking lot for a hour waiting for you, or drive half way to Dover to get a text minutes before we're supposed to meet up saying you're not going to make it. I was asking for courtesy, friendship.
I didn't think I was asking too much, but apparently I was.
She told me to have a nice life.
So I told her she was just like Abby, and Georgie, just as heartless and cruel as they were. I told her that there are way easier ways to tell someone you don't want them to throw you a baby shower.
She told me again to have a nice life, so I said "I will have a wonderful life now that it no longer has you in it."
In the end I was a little bit childish, but whatever, she deserves it as far as I'm concerned. She started it. But really all she had to do was say she was sorry, and everything would have been fine. I don't get why that is worth throwing away a friendship.
I guess it just meant more to me that it did to her.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
today is awesome because I have plans to wear a shirt that says "life" on it and hand lemons to people on street corners.
Books read: 9
Currently (re)reading: Looking for Alaska by John Green
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
On Doctor's appointments and Space.
Firstly, my high school English teacher is in a contest to go to space. It feel ridiculous even typing that, but yeah, trufacts. It's for the Space Needle in Seattle, and they're having a contest to send someone to space, and he's been chosen.
There is now this "Send John Herman to space" campaign and you can vote on facebook and he's meeting to Governor tomorrow and he was on the front page of the newspaper and on the news. It's kind of a big deal. If you want to check it out, or even feel the need to vote, you can click here. The contest runs until the 18th. It's really exciting watching all this stuff happen for him via twitter. It's awesome.
In other: I had a big doctor's appointment on Friday, it was mostly testing, but it was the most obnoxious testing I have ever had.
Firstly I had the weird upside down test that I've had before where they blow air into my ears and stuff, ridiculous. The I had a test in which was I strapped into a chair in a pitch black room and spun in circles for a half hour. THEN I was strapped to the ceiling and the floor and walls moved. But I wasn't expecting it, so I almost fell over, which was awesome. I really appreciated not knowing that the floor was going to start moving.
I don't know the results yet, but I'm willing to bet money that they say that there's nothing wrong with me. Because that's what every test I've ever had has said.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
There is now this "Send John Herman to space" campaign and you can vote on facebook and he's meeting to Governor tomorrow and he was on the front page of the newspaper and on the news. It's kind of a big deal. If you want to check it out, or even feel the need to vote, you can click here. The contest runs until the 18th. It's really exciting watching all this stuff happen for him via twitter. It's awesome.
In other: I had a big doctor's appointment on Friday, it was mostly testing, but it was the most obnoxious testing I have ever had.
Firstly I had the weird upside down test that I've had before where they blow air into my ears and stuff, ridiculous. The I had a test in which was I strapped into a chair in a pitch black room and spun in circles for a half hour. THEN I was strapped to the ceiling and the floor and walls moved. But I wasn't expecting it, so I almost fell over, which was awesome. I really appreciated not knowing that the floor was going to start moving.
I don't know the results yet, but I'm willing to bet money that they say that there's nothing wrong with me. Because that's what every test I've ever had has said.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Learning to be happy
An attractive age appropriate customer flirted with me yesterday. He handed me $30 for a $18 order and Then I handed him the 10 back he kind of giggled and said “Oh, sorry, it was a tip for good service.” And I was like “Sorry, but I can’t keep it.” and He was like “Well, maybe next time, then.” and then he smiled and eye contact. And he had freckles.
So naturally I texted everyone I know about this and I was all happy and giggly in the break room. And as I'm doing this Abby, the girl whom I've mentioned before has decided to make it her life's work to ruin my life, asked me how my friend Q was doing. I looked up, looked around the break room, which was completely empty, except for her and I and went back to eating my food. All I could think was that she could tell that I looked happy and she wanted to ruin it.
It felt really good just kind of ignoring her, not letting her get a rise out of me, not letting her win. I've been letting her get to me and letting her walk all over for almost a year and I'm just tired of being sad. I'm tired of it. Today one of my friends saw me smiling and she said she could remember the last time she saw me smile so much, so I tired to think about it. I honestly tired to think about the last time I was really happy and it was when my old manager was around. Before Abby told people we were fooling around before anyone knew I thought he was cute before any of it. It wasn't because he was around, or because I was around him. At least I don't think so, but it was just being at the store, and sitting at the bench at the service desk while he was leaning against it and Q was working talking about nothing. I remember being happy then I remember feeling happy. Making him blush about Q and I were talking about bras or something something stupid. Making my friends laugh made me happy. I've decided that I just going to do those things that made me happy before and say fuck it to whomever wants to say something to me. If that means I start spending more time at the store again like I did before Abby got all annoyed at the fact that I did that, fuck it. I want to be happy. Being there makes me happy. I'm going to be happy.
Maybe this is how I'm going to fix me.
I felt a little bit better today, for a while, until I had some really bitchy customers who ruined it. But I felt really good for a while I think that if I learn to be happy again I'll stop being so dizzy. Maybe happiness is the cure. I just have to find things that make be happy.
I was trying to be happy today, and I started to miss my old manager, the more I miss him, the more I feel like I shouldn't, like there's no reason to. I doubt he misses me. I mean, what was I to him, basically nothing, just another employee. I mean we have that shared history, but I doubt it still follows him around everyday like it does me. Thinking about him sort of makes me sad, but a kind of happy sad I guess. I don't really know yet. I think I'm moving in the right direction. Being happy is a new thing for me, I've never consciously sought happiness, but I guess there is no straight line to find it.
I'm working in it though. I'll keep you posted Blog readers, I'll let you know.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Today was awesome because I was happy.
Books Read 6
Currently Reading: Goliath by Scott Westerfeld
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Another boring Deanna post
I had yet another doctor's appointment last week, which basically lead nowhere, again. I can scream until I'm blue in the face that I don't have a migraine disorder, that I'm fairly certain I have an anxiety disorder, but it doesn't say "MD" at the end of my name, so my opinion doesn't count. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of not being listened to, I don't understand why the doctors won't listen to me. I don't understand why no one will listen to me. I just want to get better. I want to not be dizzy, I don't want to make that obnoxious noise, I don't want to start shaking uncontrollably at work for no reason, I don't want to lay awake listening to my pulse pound in my neck for hours because no one will listen to me.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being called lazy. I'm tired of being told I'm not trying. I'm tried of being afraid that every time I go to work that I'm going to fired for something that I can't control, for something someone did *to* me. I'm just tired of all of it.
In other news, I went to a job fair today for the place I interned at over the summer a few years ago. Oddly enough, even though the website said that there were job openings that I qualified for, I'm not qualified, because 1. I graduated too long ago (2009). and 2. the positions are not actually available any more. So basically it was a wasted trip.
I feel like I'm stuck and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm never going to get out of this rut and it keeps getting deeper. I hate my job, I hate it. I never wanted to work there to start with, and for a while it was okay, I could live with it, but I just can't live with the stress of being in that place every day, of seeing that girl who effectively ruined my life walk on like nothing ever happened, asking people why I'm upset with her, like she doesn't have a clue and making me look bad for "holding a grudge." I have developed serious health issues because of her, and no one cares.
I've tried to get people to listen to me, but they don't. No one cares enough to even try. I'm just going to be stuck in this horrible place without any chance of ever getting out forever.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being called lazy. I'm tired of being told I'm not trying. I'm tried of being afraid that every time I go to work that I'm going to fired for something that I can't control, for something someone did *to* me. I'm just tired of all of it.
In other news, I went to a job fair today for the place I interned at over the summer a few years ago. Oddly enough, even though the website said that there were job openings that I qualified for, I'm not qualified, because 1. I graduated too long ago (2009). and 2. the positions are not actually available any more. So basically it was a wasted trip.
I feel like I'm stuck and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm never going to get out of this rut and it keeps getting deeper. I hate my job, I hate it. I never wanted to work there to start with, and for a while it was okay, I could live with it, but I just can't live with the stress of being in that place every day, of seeing that girl who effectively ruined my life walk on like nothing ever happened, asking people why I'm upset with her, like she doesn't have a clue and making me look bad for "holding a grudge." I have developed serious health issues because of her, and no one cares.
I've tried to get people to listen to me, but they don't. No one cares enough to even try. I'm just going to be stuck in this horrible place without any chance of ever getting out forever.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
About the work
So, since it's the end of the fiscal year at work, they're cleaning house, getting rid of a bunch of dead weight and stuff.
I've got to say that I'm kind of worried. I mean, it's not like I'm a bad employee, but over this last year I have been involved in some things that aren't exactly the best way to show that I'm actually a good employee. (Namely the several issues, and the new ongoing issue with Abby, my arch-nemesis.) I mean, when it comes to the fact that I'm sick, they can't fire me for being sick, I have a doctor's note saying that I may have to leave work early for medical reason, and every time I've left work, my eyes have been rolling into the back of my head and the CSMs have forced me to leave. I don't call out very often, but when I do I can't move. I'm not abusing the fact that I don't have to work if I don't want to. I volunteer to stay late and pick up shifts when I'm feeling okay. But honestly, I'm worried that I'll do some little thing and get fired because I'm sick. Get rid of the dead weight that can't make it through a shift half the time they're scheduled.
I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything to warrant firing, and their are definitively people who are way worse at their jobs that I am. I do my best with what I can do. Let's just hope for the best.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
today is awesome because I'm buying a giraffe with three of my friends.
Books read 5.
currently reading: A Study in Scarlet by Sir Athur Conan Doyle
I've got to say that I'm kind of worried. I mean, it's not like I'm a bad employee, but over this last year I have been involved in some things that aren't exactly the best way to show that I'm actually a good employee. (Namely the several issues, and the new ongoing issue with Abby, my arch-nemesis.) I mean, when it comes to the fact that I'm sick, they can't fire me for being sick, I have a doctor's note saying that I may have to leave work early for medical reason, and every time I've left work, my eyes have been rolling into the back of my head and the CSMs have forced me to leave. I don't call out very often, but when I do I can't move. I'm not abusing the fact that I don't have to work if I don't want to. I volunteer to stay late and pick up shifts when I'm feeling okay. But honestly, I'm worried that I'll do some little thing and get fired because I'm sick. Get rid of the dead weight that can't make it through a shift half the time they're scheduled.
I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything to warrant firing, and their are definitively people who are way worse at their jobs that I am. I do my best with what I can do. Let's just hope for the best.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
today is awesome because I'm buying a giraffe with three of my friends.
Books read 5.
currently reading: A Study in Scarlet by Sir Athur Conan Doyle
Sunday, January 15, 2012
This book. Seriously
So, like most of Nerdfighteria, I'm currently reading John's latest masterpiece, The Fault in Our Stars. (This will be a spoiler free post, mostly Deanna-like angst about it) I haven't finished read it yet, mostly because I read, like, half a chapter and I have to stop and cry. It's beautiful, and honest, and just so John Green.
I tried to talk to some of my real life friends about this book, and they aren't reading it, so they can't understand how horrible and perfect and that same time.
I don't want to finish it,because I don't want it to end, last time I felt like that about a book was Paper Towns, and before that Harry Potter. John's work is just so amazing. I'm really happy that I know other nerdfighters so I can send vague text messages about whatever part of the book I'm at and they just get it, and know what to say. I just wish that I could talk like that to my real life friends. That would be nice.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY.
Today is awesome because this book, and my cat hasn't bitten me today.
Books read in 2012: 4 (I read Betrayed by PC and Kristen Cast since my last blog)
Currently reading: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
I tried to talk to some of my real life friends about this book, and they aren't reading it, so they can't understand how horrible and perfect and that same time.
I don't want to finish it,because I don't want it to end, last time I felt like that about a book was Paper Towns, and before that Harry Potter. John's work is just so amazing. I'm really happy that I know other nerdfighters so I can send vague text messages about whatever part of the book I'm at and they just get it, and know what to say. I just wish that I could talk like that to my real life friends. That would be nice.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY.
Today is awesome because this book, and my cat hasn't bitten me today.
Books read in 2012: 4 (I read Betrayed by PC and Kristen Cast since my last blog)
Currently reading: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
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