Friday, September 9, 2011

So, yeah, I failed at BEDA

I failed horribly at BEDA, not because I didn't want to blog everyday, or because I couldn't but because I felt like I was slowly becoming more and more depressed and talking about it wasn't making it better. I'm feel so alone, like no one listens to me, and that I lost the only person who ever made even a little bit of effort to actually try, and sadly enough it was my boss, who's been promoted and moved on, but he was my friend, and I miss him.

All I really want to do is talk about how I miss my friend, but I don't want to think about how much I miss him because I don't think I should. Even in this half a paragraph I'm mad at myself for thinking about it. I feel like I should just move on, but I don't really know how. I mean, I feel like I annoy my other friends when I talk about it. I don't really think my other friends, Q mostly, understand that I literally would talk to this guy about anything, that he knows more about what's going on with my medical condition than they do, or even, if I'm being honest, my parents. He'd ask me what was going on and actually listen to me, and not automatically change the subject. Even if he wasn't actually interested in what was going on, he was amazing at faking it.

 I afraid that talking about it on here that you'll get annoyed with me and stop reading my blog, and you guys, you guys mean a lot to me. Even if I'm horrible at commenting on your blogs that I read regularly. I just don't want to mess up everything I've worked so hard for the last year to get, most meaning friends, because I got too attached to someone who wasn't supposed to be around for very long anyway.

I mean, Q is a great person and an awesome friend, but I'm so afraid that she's going to get annoyed with me and stop talking to me, just like everyone else. Every other one of my friends has gotten annoyed with me and just left me, and I terrified that it's going to happen again. I'm so bad at making and keeping friends. I know I've talked about that before, but I don't want to lose her too.

I'm sorry for being a loser and annoying, and I'm sorry for not following through on the BEDA promise I made.

Today is awesome because I well, nothing awesome has happened today, but I only have a 4 hour shift, so I guess that's pretty awesome

Books Read: 16
Currently Reading: Marked by PC and Kristen Cast