Sunday, February 19, 2012

Learning to be happy

An attractive age appropriate customer flirted with me yesterday. He handed me $30 for a $18 order and  Then I handed him the 10 back he kind of giggled and said “Oh, sorry, it was a tip for good service.”  And I was like “Sorry, but I can’t keep it.” and He was like “Well, maybe next time, then.” and then he smiled and eye contact. And he had freckles.

So naturally I texted everyone I know about this and I was all happy and giggly in the break room. And as I'm doing this Abby, the girl whom I've mentioned before has decided to make it her life's work to ruin my life, asked me how my friend Q was doing. I looked up, looked around the break room, which was completely empty, except for her and I and went back to eating my food. All I could think was that she could tell that I looked happy and she wanted to ruin it.
It felt really good just kind of ignoring her, not letting her get a rise out of me, not letting her win. I've been letting her get to me and letting her walk all over for almost a year and I'm just tired of being sad. I'm tired of it. Today  one of my friends saw me smiling and she said she could remember the last time she saw me smile so much, so I tired to think about it. I honestly tired to think about the last time I was really happy and it was when my old manager was around. Before Abby told people we were fooling around before anyone knew I thought he was cute before any of it. It wasn't because he was around, or because I was around him. At least I don't think so, but it was just being at the store, and sitting at the bench at the service desk while he was leaning against it and Q was working talking about nothing. I remember being happy then I remember feeling happy. Making him blush about Q and I were talking about bras or something something stupid. Making my friends laugh made me happy. I've decided that I just going to do those things that made me happy before and say fuck it to whomever wants to say something to me. If that means I start spending more time at the store again like I did before Abby got all annoyed at the fact that I did that, fuck it. I want to be happy. Being there makes me happy. I'm going to be happy. 
Maybe this is how I'm going to fix me. 
I felt a little bit better today, for a while, until I had some really bitchy customers who ruined it. But I felt really good for a while I think that if I learn to be happy again I'll stop being so dizzy. Maybe happiness is the cure. I just have to find things that make be happy. 
I was trying to be happy today, and I started to miss my old manager, the more I miss him, the more I feel like I shouldn't, like there's no reason to. I doubt he misses me. I mean, what was I to him, basically nothing, just another employee. I mean we have that shared history, but I doubt it still follows him around everyday like it does me. Thinking about him sort of makes me sad, but a kind of happy sad I guess. I don't really know yet. I think I'm moving in the right direction. Being happy is a new thing for me, I've never consciously sought happiness, but I guess there is no straight line to find it. 
I'm working in it though. I'll keep you posted Blog readers, I'll let you know.
Today was awesome because I was happy. 
Books Read 6
Currently Reading: Goliath by Scott Westerfeld