Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Another boring Deanna post

I had yet another doctor's appointment last week, which basically lead nowhere, again. I can scream until I'm blue in the face that I don't have a migraine disorder, that I'm fairly certain I have an anxiety disorder, but it doesn't say "MD" at the end of my name, so my opinion doesn't count. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of not being listened to, I don't understand why the doctors won't listen to me. I don't understand why no one will listen to me. I just want to get better. I want to not be dizzy, I don't want to make that obnoxious noise, I don't want to start shaking uncontrollably at work for no reason, I don't want to lay awake listening to my pulse pound in my neck for hours because no one will listen to me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being called lazy. I'm tired of being told I'm not trying. I'm tried of being afraid that every time I go to work that I'm going to fired for something that I can't control, for something someone did *to* me. I'm just tired of all of it.

In other news, I went to a job fair today for the place I interned at over the summer a few years ago. Oddly enough, even though the website said that there were job openings that I qualified for, I'm not qualified, because 1. I graduated too long ago (2009). and 2. the positions are not actually available any more. So basically it was a wasted trip.

I feel like I'm stuck and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm never going to get out of this rut and it keeps getting deeper. I hate my job, I hate it. I never wanted to work there to start with, and for a while it was okay, I could live with it, but I just can't live with the stress of being in that place every day, of seeing that girl who effectively ruined my life walk on like nothing ever happened, asking people why I'm upset with her, like she doesn't have a clue and making me look bad for "holding a grudge." I have developed serious health issues because of her, and no one cares.

I've tried to get people to listen to me, but they don't. No one cares enough to even try. I'm just going to be stuck in this horrible place without any chance of ever getting out forever.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

About the work

So, since it's the end of the fiscal year at work, they're cleaning house, getting rid of a bunch of dead weight and stuff.

I've got to say that I'm kind of worried. I mean, it's not like I'm a bad employee, but over this last year I have been involved in some things that aren't exactly the best way to show that I'm actually a good employee. (Namely the several issues, and the new ongoing issue with Abby, my arch-nemesis.) I mean, when it comes to the fact that I'm sick, they can't fire me for being sick, I have a doctor's note saying that I may have to leave work early for medical reason, and every time I've left work, my eyes have been rolling into the back of my head and the CSMs have forced me to leave. I don't call out very often, but when I do I can't move. I'm not abusing the fact that I don't have to work if I don't want to. I volunteer to stay late and pick up shifts when I'm feeling okay. But honestly, I'm worried that I'll do some little thing and get fired because I'm sick. Get rid of the dead weight that can't make it through a shift half the time they're scheduled.

I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything to warrant firing, and their are definitively people who are way worse at their jobs that I am. I do my best with what I can do. Let's just hope for the best.

today is awesome because I'm buying a giraffe with three of my friends.

Books read 5.
currently reading: A Study in Scarlet by Sir Athur Conan Doyle

Sunday, January 15, 2012

This book. Seriously

So, like most of Nerdfighteria, I'm currently reading John's latest masterpiece, The Fault in Our Stars. (This will be a spoiler free post, mostly Deanna-like angst about it) I haven't finished read it yet, mostly because I read, like, half a chapter and I have to stop and cry. It's beautiful, and honest, and just so John Green.

I tried to talk to some of my real life friends about this book, and they aren't reading it, so they can't understand how horrible and perfect and that same time.

I don't want to finish it,because I don't want it to end, last time I felt like that about a book was Paper Towns, and before that Harry Potter. John's work is just so amazing. I'm really happy that I know other nerdfighters so I can send vague text messages about whatever part of the book I'm at and they just get it, and know what to say. I just wish that I could talk like that to my real life friends. That would be nice.

Today is awesome because this book, and my cat hasn't bitten me today.

Books read in 2012: 4 (I read Betrayed by PC and Kristen Cast since my last blog)
Currently reading: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I sort of want to punch optimistic people in the face.

(Author's note, this kind of turned into a giant person rant. So... yeah...)

Not, like, all optimistic people, just the ones the keep telling you that everything will get better if you just hope and wish that it will. Those are the people I want to punch in the face. My friend, Q, is like this. She claims her sudden burst of happiness and sunshine is because she's pregnant and she doesn't want to think negative because it will effect her baby, but it really just makes me want to punch her in the face.

It's sort of to the point now that I don't want to be around her, because she keeps telling that my life will improve it I want it to. Mostly by saying things like "Well, I've been hoping to get pregnant before I turned 25, and now look at me! All my dreams came true." *punchs in the face*

My other friend, whom I don't have a code name for, told me I should stop telling people I want to punch them in the face, because eventually someone is going to believe me and I'll probably get in trouble at work, but the thing is, I'm 100% telling the truth when I say I want to punch people in the face. I'm not actually going to do it, but I really *really* want to.

Know who else I want to punch in the face, Abby.

You may remember Abby from a previous blog where she decided it was acceptable to tell a whole bunch of people I was in an inappropriate relationship with the front end manager.

Anyway, she thinks we're friend again, because she was walking by and I told her that a girl that used to work  with us is pregnant by the "boyfriend" who repeatedly cheats on her, in an attempt to save their relationship. I was forced to work side by side with Abby at the service desk today. The CSM did apologize to me and tell me that they had no one else to help at the desk. People have mostly seemed to take my side in the "Abby is a horrible person" front, or they just know I don't like her very much. Either way, it's very appreciated that people try to keep us apart.

She keeps trying to talk to me. I don't understand why. She stands firmly behind what she said, although it was an outright lie. She's told other people, who have then told me, that she doesn't understand why I'm mad at her, and is still upset by what I did to her. I still haven't figured out what I've done to her btw, besides having her called into the office to make her stop sending me threatening text messages and inform her that if she kept telling people about my non-existent relationship with our manager she'd have the consequences she was hoping I would receive would be all on her.

I guess I should really, you know, not care anymore. But I work in a very small store, well it's huge store, but small, you know, people wise. Rumors are crazy there, it's kind of exactly like high school. Only with adults. I have to see this stupid jerk everyday, and she keeps trying to talk to me, and I don't want to hear anything she has to say unless it's an apology for being a psychopath, but she's never going to do that, so I don't want to hear her voice.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I have some sort of panic/anxiety disorder, and although I've probably had it all my life, she, and her big stupid mouth, definitively triggered something that makes it worse. I'm not really sure if the dizzy in tied into it, but probably. Anyway it's always worse at work, and it's at it absolute worse when she's working near me.

A couple weeks ago, I was sitting in the break room and some one asked me how I was feeling, because I'd been quite dizzy and went home early a few days that week. She legit asked me what was wrong with me. I told her I was dizzy and she asked if it was a new thing, like we haven't work in the same store since I first got sick. I told her that I'd been dizzy since Easter. She was like "Oh, that's really weird. Do you know why?" I said "I can't think of a single stressor from around that time that would trigger an anxiety disorder." Very sarcastically. And she said: "Oh well, you should see a doctor." No shit, asshole, I have been.

I just really don't like her.

I really shouldn't let her bother me, but I can't help it. I honestly didn't think there were people like her in the world. People who would literally destroy other people for no reason. I didn't do anything to this girl besides tell her to stop texting me. I just don't get it. And she doesn't understand why I want her to leave me alone. I just want to scream every time she's near me, but at the same time I feel like I'm just overacting.

I don't know. I'm just mad I guess.

Today is awesome because I got to rant that out, really.

Book read in 2012: 2
Currently reading Delirium by Lauren Oliver

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Book Blog Post.

I have resolved to keep up with this blog more, and I've decided that means when I see questions in other people's blogs that I follow that say "ANSWER THESE" I probably will.

On Tuesday Rachel, wrote a post asking two questions about books:
1. What is the last book you read and what are your FEELINGS about that book?
2. What are your FAVORITE books and WHY are they your favorites?

So, I'm going to answer them. Here we go.

1. The last book I finished was Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins. I really loved it, I read it in, like 12 hours, and it only took me that long because I had to work. I just loved how believable and real life like the characters are. I really enjoyed Anna and the French Kiss, so I knew I would like Perkins second book, but seriously, LOVED IT. The relationships between all the different characters were just so believable. That's what I really enjoy in a book, a world were everything could happen.

I don't really read love stories all that often, so when I do, I seem to really enjoy the change of pace for my regular reading.

Clearly, I'm not the best at giving book reviews, but either way, I really liked this book, and I look forward to her next one.
2. My favorite book is A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. I've read it, like nine times, and each time it feels different. I tend to re-read it when I'm in a bad place and it fixes me, reminds me that things get better. That book means more to be than most people. I feel better knowing that it's within an arms reach, I feel safe with it around. To me that book is so much more than just the story, it's how it found me and the place I was in when I read it the first time. That book saved me, and continues to save me every time I read it.

The Harry Potter series has had a similar impact on my life. That series is basically my entire life, and I wouldn't change that for anything. I wouldn't be Deanna without Harry Potter and those characters, the people I've met because of them.

That's pretty much what I have to say about books at this time.

Today is awesome because it's pizza party day at work, and even though I do not like pizza, I'm going anyway to hang out with my friends.

Books read in 2012: 1
Currently reading: The Name of the Star by Maureen Johnson

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year, Let's try again.

First of all, I want to thank whomever the Anonymous person was who left the beautiful comment on my last post. Thank you very much for your kind words.

Nextly, I want to approach the topic at hand: 2012.

Since I have utterly failed every single goal I set for myself last year, I'm not even going to look back and recap them, therefore dwelling, I'm just going to set new goals, which will look weirdly similar.

Goals for 2012.
1.) Blog once a week in 2012. It honestly shouldn't be that hard. I should be able to find five minutes to angst about my life each week, since that's pretty much what my blog is anyway. I mean, I really shouldn't be self conscious about what I blog is about. I really do appreciate the people who are kind enough to read and comment on my blog, you honestly have no idea. You guys read my blog because can, not because I'm forcing you to.

2.) Save up enough money to get my own apartment, if not actually move into one. I'm opening a savings account on Tuesday, so hopefully, I can make this a reality. Hopefully I won't be blogging from my the same room I was blogging from when I was 12 when the Apocalypse comes in December.

3.) Read 50 book this year. I am going to do this. I can do this. I've already read one. It's only January 1st. That's a good start I think.

4.) Learn to be happy. I've never really really quite understood how to be happy. I'm going to try to figure it out. I'm going to try to make myself happy. I was so close this year. I could taste happiness, but I depend way too much on other people to make me happy. This year I will learn to make myself a better person.

5.) Write more. I basically wrote nothing last year. I need to start writing again. I think that this will help with number 4.

Today is awesome because I'm setting goals, and setting goals is a step in the right direction.

Books read in 2012: 1
Last book Read: Lola And the Boy Next Door By Stephanie Perkins