I had yet another doctor's appointment last week, which basically lead nowhere, again. I can scream until I'm blue in the face that I don't have a migraine disorder, that I'm fairly certain I have an anxiety disorder, but it doesn't say "MD" at the end of my name, so my opinion doesn't count. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of not being listened to, I don't understand why the doctors won't listen to me. I don't understand why no one will listen to me. I just want to get better. I want to not be dizzy, I don't want to make that obnoxious noise, I don't want to start shaking uncontrollably at work for no reason, I don't want to lay awake listening to my pulse pound in my neck for hours because no one will listen to me.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being called lazy. I'm tired of being told I'm not trying. I'm tried of being afraid that every time I go to work that I'm going to fired for something that I can't control, for something someone did *to* me. I'm just tired of all of it.
In other news, I went to a job fair today for the place I interned at over the summer a few years ago. Oddly enough, even though the website said that there were job openings that I qualified for, I'm not qualified, because 1. I graduated too long ago (2009). and 2. the positions are not actually available any more. So basically it was a wasted trip.
I feel like I'm stuck and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm never going to get out of this rut and it keeps getting deeper. I hate my job, I hate it. I never wanted to work there to start with, and for a while it was okay, I could live with it, but I just can't live with the stress of being in that place every day, of seeing that girl who effectively ruined my life walk on like nothing ever happened, asking people why I'm upset with her, like she doesn't have a clue and making me look bad for "holding a grudge." I have developed serious health issues because of her, and no one cares.
I've tried to get people to listen to me, but they don't. No one cares enough to even try. I'm just going to be stuck in this horrible place without any chance of ever getting out forever.