*waves*

Hi, computer seems to be working today.

This is so stupidly annoying, I really just need a new computer.

I've seen some really awesome blogs today whilst scrolling through my Google Reader, so I'm probably going to steal some of your ideas in the coming days, just so you know. I like making lists, I'm just not sure how well my computer will take to trying to take pictures with my webcam tonight since it's getting kind of hot right now.

I really wish I had an interesting life to share with you when my computer actually worked. Today I mostly spent asleep because of the vertigo I've been dealing with but yesterday was Stranger than Fiction (STF) the improv show that I've been going to every Tuesday since 2004. I love them so much. I really wish that everyone got to experience seeing them, or at least live improv comedy at some point in there lives. It's hard to explain an improv show to someone who's never seen it, because it's so much better than the improv that you can see on tv. SO MUCH BETTER.

It also seems like I've managed to get myself into a situation where I'm being forced to read the 50 Shades of Gray series. I am not looking forward to it. My friend swears they're awesome, but I know that they're written poorly and I'll try to point this out and she'll get mad. I'm not, like, against the sexual nature of the book, which I think is what my friend believes is my objection, but I like reading things written by people who can write. In return for my reading this, my friend has agreed to read the Harry Potter series. So I guess I'm just going to suck it up and take one for the team on this one.

I've been so dizzy lately, but I've been trying to come across like a normal person. This sucks. I just really wish I could make it all stop. I figured with the removal of the stressers it would stop, but no.


I will have a better blog for you tomorrow, probably stealing some ideas from fellow BEDA-er's whom I will  credit with the idea in the blog, but right now google chrome, or more so Clementine the computer from hell, doesn't want me to have two windows open right now.


I will hopefully talk to you tomorrow my fellow bloggers!

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Excuses, excuses.

So my computer is broken.

I know it doesn't have a virus, because I scanned it and took it to the computer guy, but it's fucked up. It only works when it feels like it, and getting it to stay on for long periods of time seems to be difficult. And when it does stay on, sometimes, the letters don't work. So perhaps saying I would say I would blog everyday in August might have been a bad idea, but I'm still going to try to do this.

So that's why I didn't blog this weekend, that and I was extremely hungover yesterday and looking at lights wasn't a very good idea.

Anyway, I'm going to try to do better.

I'm going to have to cut this short though, since my computer has blue screened twice and just shut off for no reason three times since I started writing this at 9:30.

This is really starting to get annoying.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Today at the work

Today at work I got hit on by a sketchy person.

Well, kinda, he was, like, kind of nice looking, but he was also hitting on the walmart cashier while I was trying to process his moneygram and he messed up writing $50 on the slip, so yeah.

I've never been hit on really before, like, ever. So it was pretty nice, but still creepy.

He was like "So, do you have a boyfriend? What time do you get out of work, maybe we could get together later."

And I was just like, no thanks, weird guy.

And that was my today today.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Hello August.

Hi, welcome to August, were I try to blog everyday, and as I do so I slowly realize how horribly boring my life is, but thank you for reading and understanding anyway.

For those new to BEDA, I'll do the typical introduction thing, just in case.

I am Deanna, I am 25 years old, and I currently am working the incredibly mindless place known as walmart. I really, really, really hate my job, so in the next month be prepared. I'm currently working through what I can only explain as the longest and darkest period of depression I've experienced in my life. I'm learning to be a person again. It's hard. but I'm trying.

I'm currently quite enjoying watching the Olympics or, you know, enjoying watching freakishly attractive athletic people do things I could never do while providing my own intensely inappropriate commentary. But that's what The Games are for right?

I really don't have an interesting life. I really don't, I'm boring and lonely and most of the time sad, but I'm going to try this again. I've done BEDA twice, I know I can complete the challenge, I just have to put my mind to it.

What else would you like to know? I'm open to answering questions left in comments in tomorrow blog if whomever is reading this feels so inclined. Any kind of question, personal questions, non-personal questions, pop culture questions, whatever.

I look forward to spending this next month reading and commenting and finding new blogs and new friends, because that's what BEDA is about really, isn't it? Connecting and finding new people to call friends?

I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Preparing for BEDA!

Hey guys it's been quite a while, such a long time in fact that I was unaware that they changed the blogger web design and I'm really confused.

In my personal life, I think I've finally turned that corner I've been looking for probably as long as you've been bored enough to read my blog. I actual feel like getting up in the morning, I actually try to go outside and do things, I'm writing again, talking to people I've neglected and pushed away in the last few years. It feels good, really good. I'm not sure how long it will last this time, but I'm hoping it will be around for a while. I've missed participating in life.

In other news, I will be doing BEDA (Blog Every Day in August) this year. I'm really going to do. I'm going to focus and do stuff worth blogging about and live a life this year. I have to. I've made this promise to myself. Even if all I have to show for the the day is a crappy work story, I'm going to tell it. I need to put words to paper (or internet in the is case) every day again and way to start that with BEDA.

What else... OH! last week I got a tattoo!

It's the Deathly Hallows, and around it says "The last Enemy Defeated is Death" It's a horrible photo, because it's incredibly difficult to take pictures of you ankle with your webcam. I really love it, but right now it itches like a mother. 

I think that's all I have for right now. I'll talk to you all in a week :)

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Books read: 15

Currently reading: Ripper by Stefan Petrucha

Hi, strangers

Hi, I haven't been around for a while, mostly because there hasn't really been much going on, I've most been sick. I spend most of my time sleeping, which is kind of lame, but it's really the only way I can battle the spinning.

The last month has probably been the worst that it's been since it started, which sucks so hard.

I know literally no one cares about the fact that I'm still dizzy, but it's the only thing going on in my life.

Besides that, my best friend, Video Game Boy, for those of you who have been around that long, is getting married this summer, and my little sister, Noelles, graduated college. Two weekends ago my best friend from middle school's little sister turned 21, so I got to go to that party, which was pretty fun. I saw The Hunger Games with my friend and her boyfriend,  and that's pretty much everything I've done since the last time I blogged.

I just want to be better, but it keeps seeming more and impossible the longer I'm sick.

On the plus side, Stranger than Fiction starts next week, so I have that to look forward to as always.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Another angst filled this is my life, what is wrong with me post.

I don't get it. I mean, like, why do I attract crazy people and chose them to be my best friend?

I have two really awesome friends now, and I'm pretty sure aren't crazy, but with the way my track record is going, I'm slightly concerned for their mental health at this point.

Two weeks ago Tuesday I was supposed to meet Q at a pizza place to grab lunch since I haven't seen her in forever and stuff. So I'm driving to the place and I'm running late, so I text her saying I'm on my way. I don't get a response, so I figure she's, you know, eating. I get there and her cars isn't there and neither is her boyfriend's motorcycle. So I wait, I text her again about 15 minutes later asking where she is, a half hour after that she texts me back and says she's not coming because she's half way across the state and her phone died.

This is not the first time she's blown me off and decided not to tell me. I mean, I  doubt she left her house with a dead phone, and she's a hour away from where we were supposed to meet and she couldn't text me. I was a little bit annoyed. So I haven't talked to here in a week and a half. Thursday my other two friends and I went to Boston for a birthday. All of us have that we're going as our facebook statuses, we've been talking about it for a while, Q texts me while all of us are in Boston and asks if I'm still mad. About 5 hours later, I text her back and tell her I'm not mad, just aggravated and annoyed at her inability to keep plans or at least let  me know before I rearrange my life to meet with her that she's not going to show up.

She texts me later that night and asks me how to fix it. In my head I'm, like, just say you're freaking sorry and we'll move on, but I waited and this afternoon I told her that I couldn't be in a one sided friendship again. I just wasn't going to do it. If she wanted me to be her friend, because I honestly believed she was my best friend and I hers, that she had to put it some effort.

She told me I was being melodramatic, and told me not to worry about her baby shower that her mom would do it. And that's when I completely freaking lost it on her. I just flipped told her she was being selfish, and all I wanted was a friendship in which I could rely on the other person. I'm not trying to be needy or greedy or really thought that I was asking for too much when I ask for a fucking phone call to tell me that you're not going to fucking show up so I don't wait in a parking lot for a hour waiting for you, or drive half way to Dover to get a text minutes before we're supposed to meet up saying you're not going to make it. I was asking for courtesy, friendship.

I didn't think I was asking too much, but apparently I was.

She told me to have a nice life.

So I told her she was just like Abby, and Georgie, just as heartless and cruel as they were. I told her that there are way easier ways to tell someone you don't want them to throw you a baby shower.

She told me again to have a nice life, so I said "I will have a wonderful life now that it no longer has you in it."

In the end I was a little bit childish, but whatever, she deserves it as far as I'm concerned. She started it. But really all she had to do was say she was sorry, and everything would have been fine. I don't get why that is worth throwing away a friendship.

I guess it just meant more to me that it did to her.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
today is awesome because I have plans to wear a shirt that says "life" on it and hand lemons to people on street corners.

Books read: 9
Currently (re)reading: Looking for Alaska by John Green

On Doctor's appointments and Space.

Firstly, my high school English teacher is in a contest to  go to space. It feel ridiculous even typing that, but yeah, trufacts. It's for the Space Needle in Seattle, and they're having a contest to send someone to space, and he's been chosen.

There is now this "Send John Herman to space" campaign and you can vote on facebook and he's meeting to Governor tomorrow and he was on the front page of the newspaper and on the news. It's kind of a big deal. If you want to check it out, or even feel the need to vote, you can click here. The contest runs until the 18th. It's really exciting watching all this stuff happen for him via twitter. It's awesome.

In other: I had a big doctor's appointment on Friday, it was mostly testing, but it was the most obnoxious testing I have ever had.
Firstly I had the weird upside down test that I've had before where they blow air into my ears and stuff, ridiculous. The I had a test in which was I strapped into a chair in a pitch black room and spun in circles for a half hour. THEN I was strapped to the ceiling and the floor and walls moved. But I wasn't expecting it, so I almost fell over, which was awesome. I really appreciated not knowing that the floor was going to start moving.

I don't know the results yet, but I'm willing to bet money that they say that there's nothing wrong with me. Because that's what every test I've ever had has said.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Learning to be happy

An attractive age appropriate customer flirted with me yesterday. He handed me $30 for a $18 order and  Then I handed him the 10 back he kind of giggled and said “Oh, sorry, it was a tip for good service.”  And I was like “Sorry, but I can’t keep it.” and He was like “Well, maybe next time, then.” and then he smiled and eye contact. And he had freckles.

So naturally I texted everyone I know about this and I was all happy and giggly in the break room. And as I'm doing this Abby, the girl whom I've mentioned before has decided to make it her life's work to ruin my life, asked me how my friend Q was doing. I looked up, looked around the break room, which was completely empty, except for her and I and went back to eating my food. All I could think was that she could tell that I looked happy and she wanted to ruin it.

It felt really good just kind of ignoring her, not letting her get a rise out of me, not letting her win. I've been letting her get to me and letting her walk all over for almost a year and I'm just tired of being sad. I'm tired of it. Today  one of my friends saw me smiling and she said she could remember the last time she saw me smile so much, so I tired to think about it. I honestly tired to think about the last time I was really happy and it was when my old manager was around. Before Abby told people we were fooling around before anyone knew I thought he was cute before any of it. It wasn't because he was around, or because I was around him. At least I don't think so, but it was just being at the store, and sitting at the bench at the service desk while he was leaning against it and Q was working talking about nothing. I remember being happy then I remember feeling happy. Making him blush about Q and I were talking about bras or something something stupid. Making my friends laugh made me happy. I've decided that I just going to do those things that made me happy before and say fuck it to whomever wants to say something to me. If that means I start spending more time at the store again like I did before Abby got all annoyed at the fact that I did that, fuck it. I want to be happy. Being there makes me happy. I'm going to be happy. 

Maybe this is how I'm going to fix me. 

I felt a little bit better today, for a while, until I had some really bitchy customers who ruined it. But I felt really good for a while I think that if I learn to be happy again I'll stop being so dizzy. Maybe happiness is the cure. I just have to find things that make be happy. 

I was trying to be happy today, and I started to miss my old manager, the more I miss him, the more I feel like I shouldn't, like there's no reason to. I doubt he misses me. I mean, what was I to him, basically nothing, just another employee. I mean we have that shared history, but I doubt it still follows him around everyday like it does me. Thinking about him sort of makes me sad, but a kind of happy sad I guess. I don't really know yet. I think I'm moving in the right direction. Being happy is a new thing for me, I've never consciously sought happiness, but I guess there is no straight line to find it. 

I'm working in it though. I'll keep you posted Blog readers, I'll let you know.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY

Today was awesome because I was happy. 

Books Read 6

Currently Reading: Goliath by Scott Westerfeld

Another boring Deanna post

I had yet another doctor's appointment last week, which basically lead nowhere, again. I can scream until I'm blue in the face that I don't have a migraine disorder, that I'm fairly certain I have an anxiety disorder, but it doesn't say "MD" at the end of my name, so my opinion doesn't count. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of not being listened to, I don't understand why the doctors won't listen to me. I don't understand why no one will listen to me. I just want to get better. I want to not be dizzy, I don't want to make that obnoxious noise, I don't want to start shaking uncontrollably at work for no reason, I don't want to lay awake listening to my pulse pound in my neck for hours because no one will listen to me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being called lazy. I'm tired of being told I'm not trying. I'm tried of being afraid that every time I go to work that I'm going to fired for something that I can't control, for something someone did *to* me. I'm just tired of all of it.

In other news, I went to a job fair today for the place I interned at over the summer a few years ago. Oddly enough, even though the website said that there were job openings that I qualified for, I'm not qualified, because 1. I graduated too long ago (2009). and 2. the positions are not actually available any more. So basically it was a wasted trip.

I feel like I'm stuck and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm never going to get out of this rut and it keeps getting deeper. I hate my job, I hate it. I never wanted to work there to start with, and for a while it was okay, I could live with it, but I just can't live with the stress of being in that place every day, of seeing that girl who effectively ruined my life walk on like nothing ever happened, asking people why I'm upset with her, like she doesn't have a clue and making me look bad for "holding a grudge." I have developed serious health issues because of her, and no one cares.

I've tried to get people to listen to me, but they don't. No one cares enough to even try. I'm just going to be stuck in this horrible place without any chance of ever getting out forever.

About the work

So, since it's the end of the fiscal year at work, they're cleaning house, getting rid of a bunch of dead weight and stuff.

I've got to say that I'm kind of worried. I mean, it's not like I'm a bad employee, but over this last year I have been involved in some things that aren't exactly the best way to show that I'm actually a good employee. (Namely the several issues, and the new ongoing issue with Abby, my arch-nemesis.) I mean, when it comes to the fact that I'm sick, they can't fire me for being sick, I have a doctor's note saying that I may have to leave work early for medical reason, and every time I've left work, my eyes have been rolling into the back of my head and the CSMs have forced me to leave. I don't call out very often, but when I do I can't move. I'm not abusing the fact that I don't have to work if I don't want to. I volunteer to stay late and pick up shifts when I'm feeling okay. But honestly, I'm worried that I'll do some little thing and get fired because I'm sick. Get rid of the dead weight that can't make it through a shift half the time they're scheduled.

I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything to warrant firing, and their are definitively people who are way worse at their jobs that I am. I do my best with what I can do. Let's just hope for the best.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
today is awesome because I'm buying a giraffe with three of my friends.

Books read 5.
currently reading: A Study in Scarlet by Sir Athur Conan Doyle

This book. Seriously

So, like most of Nerdfighteria, I'm currently reading John's latest masterpiece, The Fault in Our Stars. (This will be a spoiler free post, mostly Deanna-like angst about it) I haven't finished read it yet, mostly because I read, like, half a chapter and I have to stop and cry. It's beautiful, and honest, and just so John Green.

I tried to talk to some of my real life friends about this book, and they aren't reading it, so they can't understand how horrible and perfect and that same time.

I don't want to finish it,because I don't want it to end, last time I felt like that about a book was Paper Towns, and before that Harry Potter. John's work is just so amazing. I'm really happy that I know other nerdfighters so I can send vague text messages about whatever part of the book I'm at and they just get it, and know what to say. I just wish that I could talk like that to my real life friends. That would be nice.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY.
Today is awesome because this book, and my cat hasn't bitten me today.

Books read in 2012: 4 (I read Betrayed by PC and Kristen Cast since my last blog)
Currently reading: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I sort of want to punch optimistic people in the face.

(Author's note, this kind of turned into a giant person rant. So... yeah...)

Not, like, all optimistic people, just the ones the keep telling you that everything will get better if you just hope and wish that it will. Those are the people I want to punch in the face. My friend, Q, is like this. She claims her sudden burst of happiness and sunshine is because she's pregnant and she doesn't want to think negative because it will effect her baby, but it really just makes me want to punch her in the face.

It's sort of to the point now that I don't want to be around her, because she keeps telling that my life will improve it I want it to. Mostly by saying things like "Well, I've been hoping to get pregnant before I turned 25, and now look at me! All my dreams came true." *punchs in the face*

My other friend, whom I don't have a code name for, told me I should stop telling people I want to punch them in the face, because eventually someone is going to believe me and I'll probably get in trouble at work, but the thing is, I'm 100% telling the truth when I say I want to punch people in the face. I'm not actually going to do it, but I really *really* want to.

Know who else I want to punch in the face, Abby.

You may remember Abby from a previous blog where she decided it was acceptable to tell a whole bunch of people I was in an inappropriate relationship with the front end manager.

Anyway, she thinks we're friend again, because she was walking by and I told her that a girl that used to work  with us is pregnant by the "boyfriend" who repeatedly cheats on her, in an attempt to save their relationship. I was forced to work side by side with Abby at the service desk today. The CSM did apologize to me and tell me that they had no one else to help at the desk. People have mostly seemed to take my side in the "Abby is a horrible person" front, or they just know I don't like her very much. Either way, it's very appreciated that people try to keep us apart.

She keeps trying to talk to me. I don't understand why. She stands firmly behind what she said, although it was an outright lie. She's told other people, who have then told me, that she doesn't understand why I'm mad at her, and is still upset by what I did to her. I still haven't figured out what I've done to her btw, besides having her called into the office to make her stop sending me threatening text messages and inform her that if she kept telling people about my non-existent relationship with our manager she'd have the consequences she was hoping I would receive would be all on her.

I guess I should really, you know, not care anymore. But I work in a very small store, well it's huge store, but small, you know, people wise. Rumors are crazy there, it's kind of exactly like high school. Only with adults. I have to see this stupid jerk everyday, and she keeps trying to talk to me, and I don't want to hear anything she has to say unless it's an apology for being a psychopath, but she's never going to do that, so I don't want to hear her voice.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I have some sort of panic/anxiety disorder, and although I've probably had it all my life, she, and her big stupid mouth, definitively triggered something that makes it worse. I'm not really sure if the dizzy in tied into it, but probably. Anyway it's always worse at work, and it's at it absolute worse when she's working near me.

A couple weeks ago, I was sitting in the break room and some one asked me how I was feeling, because I'd been quite dizzy and went home early a few days that week. She legit asked me what was wrong with me. I told her I was dizzy and she asked if it was a new thing, like we haven't work in the same store since I first got sick. I told her that I'd been dizzy since Easter. She was like "Oh, that's really weird. Do you know why?" I said "I can't think of a single stressor from around that time that would trigger an anxiety disorder." Very sarcastically. And she said: "Oh well, you should see a doctor." No shit, asshole, I have been.

I just really don't like her.

I really shouldn't let her bother me, but I can't help it. I honestly didn't think there were people like her in the world. People who would literally destroy other people for no reason. I didn't do anything to this girl besides tell her to stop texting me. I just don't get it. And she doesn't understand why I want her to leave me alone. I just want to scream every time she's near me, but at the same time I feel like I'm just overacting.

I don't know. I'm just mad I guess.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Today is awesome because I got to rant that out, really.

Book read in 2012: 2
Currently reading Delirium by Lauren Oliver

Book Blog Post.

I have resolved to keep up with this blog more, and I've decided that means when I see questions in other people's blogs that I follow that say "ANSWER THESE" I probably will.

On Tuesday Rachel, wrote a post asking two questions about books:

1. What is the last book you read and what are your FEELINGS about that book?

2. What are your FAVORITE books and WHY are they your favorites?

So, I'm going to answer them. Here we go.

1. The last book I finished was Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins. I really loved it, I read it in, like 12 hours, and it only took me that long because I had to work. I just loved how believable and real life like the characters are. I really enjoyed Anna and the French Kiss, so I knew I would like Perkins second book, but seriously, LOVED IT. The relationships between all the different characters were just so believable. That's what I really enjoy in a book, a world were everything could happen.

I don't really read love stories all that often, so when I do, I seem to really enjoy the change of pace for my regular reading.

Clearly, I'm not the best at giving book reviews, but either way, I really liked this book, and I look forward to her next one.
 
2. My favorite book is A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. I've read it, like nine times, and each time it feels different. I tend to re-read it when I'm in a bad place and it fixes me, reminds me that things get better. That book means more to be than most people. I feel better knowing that it's within an arms reach, I feel safe with it around. To me that book is so much more than just the story, it's how it found me and the place I was in when I read it the first time. That book saved me, and continues to save me every time I read it.

The Harry Potter series has had a similar impact on my life. That series is basically my entire life, and I wouldn't change that for anything. I wouldn't be Deanna without Harry Potter and those characters, the people I've met because of them.

That's pretty much what I have to say about books at this time.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Today is awesome because it's pizza party day at work, and even though I do not like pizza, I'm going anyway to hang out with my friends.

Books read in 2012: 1
Currently reading: The Name of the Star by Maureen Johnson

New Year, Let's try again.

First of all, I want to thank whomever the Anonymous person was who left the beautiful comment on my last post. Thank you very much for your kind words.

Nextly, I want to approach the topic at hand: 2012.

Since I have utterly failed every single goal I set for myself last year, I'm not even going to look back and recap them, therefore dwelling, I'm just going to set new goals, which will look weirdly similar.

Goals for 2012.
1.) Blog once a week in 2012. It honestly shouldn't be that hard. I should be able to find five minutes to angst about my life each week, since that's pretty much what my blog is anyway. I mean, I really shouldn't be self conscious about what I blog is about. I really do appreciate the people who are kind enough to read and comment on my blog, you honestly have no idea. You guys read my blog because can, not because I'm forcing you to.

2.) Save up enough money to get my own apartment, if not actually move into one. I'm opening a savings account on Tuesday, so hopefully, I can make this a reality. Hopefully I won't be blogging from my the same room I was blogging from when I was 12 when the Apocalypse comes in December.

3.) Read 50 book this year. I am going to do this. I can do this. I've already read one. It's only January 1st. That's a good start I think.

4.) Learn to be happy. I've never really really quite understood how to be happy. I'm going to try to figure it out. I'm going to try to make myself happy. I was so close this year. I could taste happiness, but I depend way too much on other people to make me happy. This year I will learn to make myself a better person.

5.) Write more. I basically wrote nothing last year. I need to start writing again. I think that this will help with number 4.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
Today is awesome because I'm setting goals, and setting goals is a step in the right direction.

Books read in 2012: 1
Last book Read: Lola And the Boy Next Door By Stephanie Perkins