The last few days I've felt really horrible, not health wise, but mental health wise. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, no one ever listens to me when I talk. I get lost in the shuffle, my requests get ignored, nobody seems to care what I think. I feel like a shadow most of the time. Like no one would notice if I wasn't there because no one notices when I am there.
Most of this comes from work, no matter where I've worked, I'll ask for something simple, no being scheduled on Tuesdays, being trained on the service desk, and I will be ignored. Completely ignored, time after time after time until I finally just give up and stop asking and watch as people who don't work as hard as I do, who don't deserve to have those opportunities, who haven't worked with the company as long as I have, get the simple things I want.
This happens at home too, which is why I spend most of my time, much like Harry Potter, alone in my room pretending I don't exist. It's just easier that way.
At work I'm just tired of being walked all over. I don't know if you remember the person I called "Abby" in a previous blog, but in a short recap, she's the one that decided it was okay to tell half the store I was sleeping with my manager because I told her the guy she liked was a tool and I wasn't going to be her friend if she kept talking about him. (It's a bit more complicated, but that's the basics.) Abby started working in the store in November, I started in August of last year. She has gotten trained on the service desk even though she claims that she doesn't want to learn and just wants to transfer out of the front end and wants nothing to do with it. But Deanna, who's been asking to be trained over there longer than Abby's worked there can't get over there for a couple hours. It's not fair, and not matter how often I go to my manager and complain and ask I get empty promises and maybe next weeks from him.
I just kind of let everything out last night, just everything that I was feeling about the situation and how I'm tired of being ignored and looked at like a joke and laughed at when I want something simple, and I completely broke down and cried like an idiot in front of him. I just can't take being ignored anymore, and I know he's not doing in on purpose I've seen him try and work with the CSMs to get me trained over there, he's done it so that I'm able to hear him when he talks to them so I know he's doing it. But the CSMs think it's just some kind of funny joke that I'm not in on.
This isn't just about my job, it's about everything, canceled plans every time I make them, promises that never get kept, I'm so tired of it. I'm exhausted, and I'm constantly dizzy, I don't know what's wrong with me and I just want one person who cares.
I'm sick of being laughed at. I'm sick of being a joke I don't understand. I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of being replaced. I'm sick of being forgotten. I'm sick of everything. I just want one person to care about me. And the harder I look for that the more impossible it seems.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY