Since it was asked, I might as well answer it.

In the comments of yesterday's post, RuthEDay asked a question that I sort of answered in the comments, but I feel that I should address it farther so I'm going to. Basically she asked if the ankle breaking lead to the sucky down turn in my life.

Kind of.

Not that my life was exactly rainbow and clouds and square dancing, previous to my sophomore year of high school, but losing volleyball pretty much cemented my place in the "why the fuck do I even exist" world. I wasn't, like, super good, or anything, but I was good enough, that with practice I could have played in college, and gone to a state school like I wanted. I'd played volleyball from sixth grade until my sophomore year, well I was on the team junior year, but the ankle situation lasted about 10 months longer than it should have, (long story, don't ask) so I didn't get to play that season.

I lost friends, who probably we're really my friends looking back at it, but it was high school, and frankly if you talked to me, FRIEND. Remember John Green's video where he talks about college, and making friends, that person, the one basically crying so that you'd be your friend, that was me in high school/ up until, like, maybe, two weeks ago when I realized I actually had some really good friends who weren't assholes.

Because I didn't have volleyball, I fell into this HOLE OF SAD. My grades tanked and found myself drowning with no way out. I know a lot of people have been there, have felt that, have made their lives better, turned around and clawed toward the light, but there are days, still, when I  feel like that sad kid stuck in that bottomless hole knowing that I'm never going to get out of it. I was one of the lucky ones, though. I was that one in a million kid that had a teacher like Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World, that one that cares so much about you that they stop you in the hallway to say "see you tomorrow," even when they know they have a teacher's conference in Boston and aren't going to be there the next day. I'm lucky enough to still have that person in my life now, and that I can call this person my friend, even if I can't call him by his first name because it's too weird (I graduated high school 5 years ago, it will always be weird to call teachers by their first names. His first name is Mr. and it will be that way for the rest of my life).

I know that there is a way out of the hole, a way to fix it, but I get so lost in the fact that I've found myself there again, that it spirals out of control again. I feel that if I could go to that moment and run on the outside of the group instead of the inside, and therefore not fall off the sidewalk-less road of my town and break my ankle I'd be better. This is why I re-read A Prayer for Owen Meany this year, so that I could grasp at that piece of seventeen year old me, and hope that somehow twenty-three year old me would get it.

I feel that even changing that small piece of life, I would still be pretty much the same person I am now. I mean there's no doubt in my mind that I would end up a nerdfighter. I've always been a nerdfighter, I'd still be the weird girl that thought it was socially acceptable to wear post it notes as a fashion accessory on my jean jacket (Note to self, this is probably why you had no friends in high school), and I'd still have an unacceptable for someone of my age crush on Michael J Fox, I'd still love Harry Potter, I just won't be so sad all the time, I won't get lost in my own depressing thoughts.

Part of me says that MAYBE if I didn't give that teacher the chance to save me, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't be the biggest fan *cough*facebook stalker *cough* of the improv troupe, since I wouldn't have needed the extra credit in English that compelled me to go to the first show. I may not have found Nerdfighteria as soon as I did, but then again, if I'd gone to a bigger college, may be I would have found it earlier. Maybe I'd be an intern at a magazine or writing somewhere for someone, well on my way to being who I want to be.

I just want to be happy with who I am, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and I just feel that if I wake up and I'm fifteen, I can do that.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY
today is awesome, because for the first times since... ummm... well... 2007 I have plans on a FRIDAY NIGHT! With a REAL LIFE PERSON! #omg

Books read: 36
currently reading: Skinny by Ibi Kaslik